2 Cups Sugar2 Cups Lard
1 Whole Juicy Lemon
So... You want some apricot tarts for Christmas, well I got your fucking apricot tarts right here:
First, you will need some stuff:
For the dough:
7 Cups Flour
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon cloves
3 teaspoons baking power (exqeez me, baking powder?)
2 bags or cans of dried apricots
3/4 Cup milk
For the apricots:
2 16oz cans apricots
Utensils and pans and such:
2 Pyrex baking pans: 1 roughly 9x9; 1 roughly 13x11
1 Can Opener
1 Electric Mixer
1 Pastry Dealie
1 large mixing bowl
1 Large Pot
1 Rolling Pin
A bunch of wax paper / parchment paper
Measuring Cups, or a really good eye.
1 bottle of fine single malt scotch (some might call this optional, they are full of shit)
1 Rocking Playlist
On to the actual recipe:
Put on your rocking playlist. You in to christmas tunes? Dude, lame. Rock on anyway. So... Clean the damned kitchen you filthy bastard, what the heck is that? Six Month old mayonnaise? What the hell dude? That got left out in the sun for 6 hours at the BBQ in September. You've been
using it on your sandwiches? You sick fuck.
Pour yourself a healthy glass of the scotch. You cleaned right? Then you've earned it.
Put the dry apricots in the large pot with a cup of water. Simmer them lightly while your making the dough. Keep an eye on these. Add more water as required.
Put 2 Cups of Lard into the mixing bowl. Put 2 Cups of Sugar into the mixing bowl. Get your electric mixer out. Cream. Cream the fuck out of this. Cream it to town. Don't be afraid.
Add 3 Eggs to large mixing bowl. Beat. Don't beat it too hard though. You don't want the eggs getting hard. There is an awesome pun in here somewhere. You let those eggs get hard and your fucked.
Add the juice of 1 Lemon to the mixing bowl. Have you been checking on the apricots? Do they need more water? Come on dude, pay attention will ya? Ok, now add 1/2 teaspoon of Cinnamon to the mixing bowl, and while your at it add 1/2 teaspoon of cloves. Mix all this up.
Get out your parchment paper or wax paper. Get your sifter out. Put 3 and 1/2 Cups of Flour and 3 teaspoons of Baking Powder in there. Sift. Sift like the wind. Gradually add this to the stuff in your mixing bowl.
Right about now, the substance in your mixing bowl will be too sticky for your mixer to do any damned good at all. Get your pastry dealie out. All those years as a chronic masturbator will not have been in vain. Take the rest of the flour (3 and 1/2 Cups) and gradually mix that in with the pastry dealie. As you are doing this add in the 3/4 cup of milk bit by bit.
Ok, your dough is done. Have you been keeping an eye on the apricots? Don't let them burn dude. You got your 2 cans of apricots, pour the juice from the cans over the apricoty mess you got in your pan. Yea, it looks like some unholy apricot sticky doom. Don't be alarmed. As this concoction is simmering, put the canned apricots in.
Pre heat your oven to 350.
Take that sticky dough you got, wrap it up in three pieces of the waxed paper. There's another awesome pun here somewhere. You think of it, I'm fuckin busy. Anyway, put that shit in the freezer. It's just too sticky to handle.
Are the apricots now some sort of goo? Thats about right. Take that shit off the burner and set it aside. We will come back to this.
Take one of the sticky dough waxed paper packages out that freezer. Take a bunch of waxed paper and put it on your counter. Take flour, and put that shit everywhere. When you think you have enough flour, double it. It still isn't enough flour. Don't fuck around here, that dough is still sticky. Put flour all over your rolling pin. Again, there's just got to be a great pun here. Maybe something with stroking the flour all over the rolling pin. Fuck it. Roll out the hunk of sticky dough.
Put that shit in your large pan. Is it sticking to the waxed paper? Dude, I told you to use more flour. Just use your hands. Oh, be sure your hands are covered in flour.
Same thing as Step Fourteen and Fifteen, this time with the smaller pan and most of the dough from a second package out the freezer.
At this point, someone probably comes into the kitchen and says something like: "dude, you've got a serious blow problem. What the fuck man." Just say: "Hey fuck you i'm baking. This is flour that i've got all over" Grab the last package of dough from the freezer. Shower yourself and the whole kitchen in flour. Using your hands, roll the dough into tubes. Thin little tubes. The best way I've found is to place my hand parallel to a tube like object of the doughy nature and roll it out using mostly my palm. Another pun. I know its in there. Repeat until you got a few of these fuckers.
Get yourself a fork. Spoon that apricotty gooeyness out of the pan, and into the baking pans. Take the tubes of dough and put them on top in a cris-cross way. No I don't mean put your pants on backward and do it. Cross the tubes, dude. Use that fork you got to make pretty like forked edges. Its not gay, its totally fuckin bad ass dude. Fork it. Fork it good. All the bad ass thugs fork their pastries and tarts.
Scotch. Fuck it dude, you got the day off. Get housed why not. What else are you gonna do?
Put these fuckers in your oven. You preheated to 350 right? Wasn't that a step? Damnit pay attention!
Step Twenty One:
Wait around 40 minutes. Check at 35 to see if the edges are browning. This would be a good time to play some borderlands or something.
Step Twenty Two:
Take them out of the oven. Let them cool before you go just stickin your fingers in there. That gooey apricoty stuff is gonna be pretty hot. Do not fuck your apricot tarts. Have another glass of scotch. Relax a bit while they cool.
Step Twenty Three:
Cut them, and enjoy.